Brutal honesty

I'm sitting here at the computer feeling completely heart broken. Indiana was not what I expected. The job was great, the weather was perfect, and the kids are adorable. But being here is not working. After many exchanges of e-mails with my brother and his gf this week, I decided I had worn out my welcome and it was time I moved on. It breaks my heart to leave. It breaks my heart to know that the kids have to sort through another disappointment. And it breaks my heart that I have become a point of tension within the house. Yet, the fact remains that it is. My hands are tied from helping in the ways I long to help, and I can do nothing about it.
After 4 hours of sleep last night I went in to work and promptly went to talk with my boss. He was gracious to understand the situation. He could see in my eyes that I was done, that I was ready to leave today if possible and that I was miserable. So I finished out the day, announced that I was heading back to Texas and cleaned out my desk. I have never cried so much in a 24 hour period as I have since yesterday evening.
I feel that I have given up. I feel that I have failed. I feel that I have been beating against the air. I am tired. I am confused. And I ache for home. I feel that I am caught in the middle of a bad dream and no matter how hard I try I can't wake up. I can't leave it. And what breaks my heart more is that even though I can walk away from it, I can go home and "move on," the kids can't. They didn't ask for this. They didn't choose it. And yet they know nothing else. This is their life. And I can't help but feeling selfish for leaving them here.
It makes me mad. It makes me want to cry. (Okay, I already am crying) It makes me want to throw things. It makes me want to scream. But I resolve to cry to God. To take my pain to the cross and let the blood of the Lamb cover it all. One day it will all be washed anew. One day we will see God's glory here. But in the mean time it's confusing. And I don't understand it.